A young accountant spends a week at his new office with the retiring accountant he is replacing. Each and every morning as the more experienced accountant begins the day, he opens his desk drawer, takes out a worn envelope, removes a yellowing sheet of paper, reads it, nods his head, looks around the room with renewed vigor, returns the envelope to the drawer, and then begins his day's work. After he retires, the new accountant can hardly wait to read for himself the message contained in the envelope in the drawer, particularly since he feels so inadequate in replacing the far wiser and more highly esteemed accountant. Surely, he thinks to himself, it must contain the great secret to his success, a wondrous treasure of inspiration and motivation. His fingers tremble anxiously as he removes the mysterious envelope from the drawer and reads the following message:

"Debits in the column toward the file cabinet. Credits in the column toward the window."

An accountant is having a hard time sleeping and goes to see his doctor. "Doctor, I just can't get to sleep at night." "Have you tried counting sheep?" "That's the problem - I make a mistake and then spend three hours trying to find it."

If a lawyer and a CRA agent were both drowning, and you could save only one of them, would you go to lunch or read the paper?

An accountant appears at Saint Peter's gate * Saint Peter starts asking him all the usual questions required to get into heaven. The accountant, it seems, has repeatedly helped people cheat on their taxes and embezzle funds. Finally, in exasperation, St Peter asks, "Well, have you ever done anything good, anything totally unselfish and altruistic in your entire life?" "Well," says the accountant, "Once I saw this pretty lady being beaten up and about to be raped by a bunch of bikers. So I yelled "Hey jerks, why don't you pick on somebody your own size" and I then kicked all their hogs over, all six of em, and took off running. They forgot about her for a second and she managed to run also. Saint Peter asks, "I'm looking through the book of your life, and Idon't see this incident recorded. When did it occur?" The accountant replies, "About five minutes ago."

CORPORATE LESSON NUMBER 1

TEN HUSBANDS

A young man married a beautiful woman who had previously divorced ten husbands. On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin". "What?" Said the puzzled groom. "How can that be if you've been married ten times?

• Husband #1 was a Sales Representative; he kept telling me how great it's going to be.
• Husband #2 was in Software Services; he was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he'd look into it and call me.
• Husband #3 was from Field Services; he said everything checked out diagnostically, but he just couldn't get the system up.
• Husband #4 was in Telemarketing; even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver.
• Husband #5 was an Engineer; he understood the basic process but wanted three years to research, implement and design a new state-of-the-art method.
• Husband #6 was from Finance and Administration; he thought he knew how, but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not.
• Husband #7 was in Marketing; although he had a product, he was never sure how to position it.
• Husband #8 was a Psychiatrist; all he ever did was talk about it.
• Husband #9 was a Gynecologist; all he did was look at it
• Husband #10 was a Stamp Collector; all he ever did was...............God I miss him!

But now I have married you, "I'm so excited!" "Good", said the husband, "but why?" "You're a Tax Man......This time I know I'm going to get screwed!"

HAPPY TAX TIME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

And thanks to the fabulous Mr. Oates for this one:

A dad walks into a market with his young son. The kid is holding a loonie. Suddenly, the boy starts choking, going blue in the face. The dad realizes the boy has swallowed the coin and starts panicking, shouting for help.

A well dressed, attractive, but serious looking woman in a blue business suit is sitting at a coffee bar in the market reading her newspaper and sipping a cup of coffee. At the sound of the commotion, she looks up, puts her coffee cup down on the saucer, neatly folds the newspaper and places it on the counter, gets up from her seat and makes her way, unhurried, across the market.

Reaching the boy, the woman carefully takes hold of the boy's testicles and starts to squeeze, gently at first and then ever more firmly. After a few seconds the boy convulses violently and coughs up the coin, which the woman deftly catches in her free hand. Releasing the boy, the woman hands the coin to the father and walks back to her seat in the coffee bar without saying a word.

As soon as he is sure that his son has suffered no lasting ill effects, the father rushes over to the woman and starts thanking her saying, I've never seen anybody do anything like that before, it was fantastic. Are you a doctor?

'No,' the woman replies, 'I work for Revenue Canada'

Dear Sirs,

In view of current developments in the banking market, if one of my cheques is returned marked 'insufficient funds', does that refer to me or to you?

Yours Faithfully.